Little By Little
by Kevvy Talks
Summary: Rukia looked at Mayuri, as he stared blankly back at her, as she did the unthinkable in asking him to bring Kaien back. And she knew Soul Society would never forgive her.
1. Where Is My Mind

**Title: Little By Little**

**Characters/Pairings: Kaien/Rukia. Hints of Renji/Rukia **

**Rating: T**

**Summary: Rukia looked at Mayuri, as he stared blankly back at her, as she did the unthinkable in asking him to bring Kaien back. And she knew Soul Society would never forgive her.**

**Rukia's part in Kaien's death has completely leveled her, leaving behind a void that can't be filled. Consumed by guilt, she opts for the only way out and tries to end her life. But when that fails and she's left to her suffering, she turns to Mayuri and does the unthinkable by asking him to bring Kaien back, no matter the consequences. Unable to refuse the challenge, Mayuri makes an imperfect clone using the same techniques that created Nemu. But can Rukia truly cope with the responsibility of raising Kaien into a world that won't accept him, and caring for him...even if he'd not the man she loved?**

**A/N: I'm sorry if updates aren't frequent. This story was directly inspired by Between Me and Thee by KuroKuchiki, Vindictev [The proud owner of the Kairuki fanclub on **_**Bleach Asylum**_**], kalthurin, and the lovely Miss Geoffrey Chaucer, the authoress of The Rising Phoenix.**

**This fic here is my baby. I love it very much. I would love thoughts or comments on this just so I know I'm doing right by this.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach or The Pixies' songs.**

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><p>Chapter 1-Where Is My Mind<p>

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><p>The massive high of adrenaline had trickled out of her. Her mind was unhooked from the remainder of her. There wasn't an ounce of control left.<p>

The acrid sting of bile coated her throat, irritating her gag reflex. She opened her mouth and started to wretch, her body heaving and her shoulders hunching with the effort. She felt so deflated...so empty of any livelihood that had been possible just because of his existence.

All of the tendons and muscles in her stung as if they'd been pulled too tightly, like after a day's worth of rigorous labor. She felt thin, like too little butter scraped across too much bread. Non-existent; virtually, empty.

Her life source throbbed again, but what vestiges of energy she'd boasted had been expended through screaming and kicking when Ukitake-taicho tried to pry her from Kaien's cold, damp form after he'd stopped breathing.

In her heart it was raining. It pressed down on her, sinking into her bones, where she could feel it as intensely as if it was a physical wound.

The downpour had alleviated to a drizzle. Not that it would have mattered—her shihakusho was already heavy with the water it had absorbed. Her hair was damp and strands were plastered to her face, giving her an almost wild quality to her appearance.

The rain brought with it a fleeting breeze that passed through the clearing emptily.

It stirred the sicky sweet scent of honeysuckle. His scent.

"NO!" A tortured scream brimming with animosity and anguish sliced through the quiet, humid clearing. The giant perennial trees of the forest surrounding them shook in a sudden current of air.

"Kuchiki!" Ukitake shouted, trying to reach her. He folding his arms around her like a father-figure would and lifted her away from Kaien. Rukia jolted in his grasp and thrashed her legs out.

A low grief-stricken cry scratched its way up past parted lips. She shook her head, hair whipping back and forth and clinging to her cheeks and the camber of her neck.

Rukia still couldn't tear her eyes away from her dead lieutenant's body; she couldn't stop telling herself over and over in a never ending mantra that this wasn't real.

He looked so wrong in death, so vulnerable crumpled there on the forest floor. No more was the liveliness and down-to-earth personality of her beloved mentor. Now he just lay there on the grass, blood staining through the ebony black of his once neat uniform.

"Kuchiki, you're going into shock," Ukitake told her, his voice far off, as if she was hearing him through plexi glass.

Rukia's head jerked back violently then and she kicked out hard with her legs, writhing, fighting it, denying it despite how impractical it was.

It was about that moment while Ukitake tried to wrestle her to a calmer mindset that Kiyone and Sentaro flashed onto the scene. They ceased their calling when they saw their lieutenant. In stunned shock, they both looked over the aftermath.

The still quiet of the forest was fractured by the rustle of the foliage around them, and then Kiyone wailed, collapsing onto her knees and breaking out into hysterical sobs. Sentaro appeared so devastated he was incapable of anything else but just standing there.

Rukia's grasp on everything was hazy, but in spite of how blurred her vision was, she yanked her arm away from her captain. On all fours, she crawled over to Kaien.

Gently, with the care of a mother, she pulled him over onto his back and laid his head in her lap.

Bearing no heed to the others in the vicinity, Rukia stroked his silky jet black locks and began to keen.

She rocked back and forth at regular intervals, mourning. Tears poured down her face, their salinity mingling with the fresh rain water that trickled in rivulets down her blank visage.

At one point, Kiyone got up and staggered over, hiccuping. "R-R-Ruki-" she began, reaching out with one hand. Rukia twisted around at that moment and snarled, "STAY AWAY FROM HIM!"

Startled, the sandy-haired female stumbled and fell back on her bottom. Rukia rose to her feet inelegantly, swayed, and then, in erratic, perfunctory movements prepared to move him.

"Rukia, what are you doing?" Ukitake asked softly.

"I'm..." She paused. "I'm taking him home..to his family. It wouldn't be right otherwise."

"No," he said curtly. "I'll do it."

"And tell them what exactly? I'm the one who murdered him. I should be the one to confront them and tell them how he died."

_He hadn't refused her permission of this request. Somehow, later on, she would wish he had._

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><p>The grass was lush and the air sticky and damp. The thick fabric of her uniform clung to her body, moistening with the excess of sweat that trickled down the fine camber of her neck, creating miniature trails that coasted her collarbone and vanished behind the overlap of her clothing.<p>

Her robes were suddenly uncomfortable and she felt tainted—sullied by his blood. It was all she could do not to lose her balance and crumple right there on the spot. As it was, she didn't know where her mind was. Her consciousness certainly wasn't in the present of things. It was back there- in the clearing where he had died.

She staggered on her feet and swayed, her need for rest warring against her sense of duty. Pulling his limp form behind her wasn't so much a burden on her mind as it was on her corporeal self.

Her brain was sending signals to her limbs, telling them to take a time-out and cease her movement. But her soul wouldn't let her. She didn't hasten her pace.

For some sentimental reason, she wanted to prolong this, as well as her suffering. She wanted to utilize what precious seconds she had with him before she turned him over to his family.

Her hands were shaking violently from the high of adrenaline, so much so that when she reached back to continue lugging him along, the pads of her fingers brushed up against the glossy strands of his hair. Rukia bit down on her lip, stifling her helpless cry of anguish. Memories flashed before her eyes unbidden, intensifying these feelings of self-reproach tenfold.

She was saved by the rustling of foliage as someone came striding towards her amongst the tallgrass.

She heard a shocked cry as she shrugged off the memories and gazed past hollow eyes at an adolescent boy no bigger than herself. He began to make meaningless chocked noises of fear.

She saw his eyes move to the body behind her.

He screamed. "B-BIG BROTHER!" He looked back at her. "W-WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"

The words left her mouth without permission of her mind. "I killed him." Her voice was detached...unfeeling.

"You..." The boy pointed his finger at her. "YOU GET OUT OF HERE!" He broke down in tears. "GET OUT OF HERE NOW!" he screamed.

Rukia was reluctant, but she stepped away from Kaien and placed him down on the grass as his younger sibling approached him, body trembling. There were far off yells as others approached the area, drawn there by the boy's screams. Rukia gave one last mournful look at her lieutenant...and ran.

She couldn't bear to confront them knowing what she'd done...It just wouldn't be right.

Everything after that was a blank: the sprinting, the way she panted as she charged through the forest, snapping twigs, tripping and stumbling, frenetically wiping her cheeks to rid herself of the blood.

The blood never went away. Her zanpaku-to's blade would forever be stained with it.

She staggered to the stream behind the 13th barracks and collapsed onto her knees. Hyperventilating, she began to scrub her sword in the water. A few times, she cut herself, but she no more felt the pain than she did anything else as numb as she was.

Rukia began to panic when some of the blood didn't come off all the way, and she noticed that most of it had soaked into her clothing, was on her skin—everywhere. She sobbed, stripping her uniform off and using it to cleanse her zanpaku-to.

Once having done that, she started to vigorously rub her skin so hard that it became inflamed from the friction. She dunked herself repeatedly in the stream until she was quaking violently from the frigid waters. She irrationly summoned Haien to burn her clothing, incinerating it and all traces that she had killed him.

Rukia looked into the flames as they dissipated, and sank down onto the grass and curled up in the fetal position, in nothing but her juban. Her eyelids, though heavy, didn't close. She just stared off into space, unable to sleep, unable to think, just hovering in an endless black nothing.

Ukitake recovered her some time after. It was truly heartrending to him as her captain to see her so...empty.

Kiyone and Sentaro gasped when they saw their comrade, and he told them to stay back.

Approaching her, he shed his haori and draped it over her tiny form, covering her while modestly averting his eyes. This was already demoralizing enough for her. The least he could do was show her some respect, no matter what condition she was in.

Though his lungs were burning from over-exertion and the effects of his earlier attack, he picked her up in his arms and cradled her against his body before turning around and moving onward. Kiyone and Sentaro flanked him, taciturn for once in their lives

The heavens began to weep once more...


	2. Here's Your Man

**A/N: I'm really, really hoping this story will draw in KaiRuki lovers, cuz this is for whom and why I've written this story. To those who are discouraged by where this thing is going, I PROMISE it gets better. What I'm doing right now is focusing on Rukia's mental state after ****his death.**

**I'm also using it as a focus for the bigger plot points.**

**I would really truly appreciate feedback from those who support this pairing and those that like this story in general. If there's anyone who would like to give out pointers or discuss Kaien/Rukia, then feel free to PM me.**

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><p>Chapter 2- Here's Your Man<p>

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><p>Psychologically, Rukia Kuchiki was leveled to inwardly resemble that of a crumbled, dilapidated building.<p>

She was despondant and answered no one, not even her superiors.

In the week she'd been in squad 4's stables, she had become underweight and malnourished—not that she hadn't been slightly underweight to begin with. Unohana had gone as far as to suggest feeding her intravenously, and when the situation did arrive to recquire that, Ruka fought tooth and nail.

Apparantly, she hadn't been _that _anemic, especially considering she managed to put one male peon through the wall and another in the emergency ward.

Now, eight days later, she was still the same. In Renji's opinion, Rukia looked like death on a cracker.

For the love of God! Her superior had died! So _what? _Was that really meriting of a total breakdown?

As Soul Reapers, their occupation was to be expectant of these kinds of tragedies.

The Gotei 13 no sooner suffered these losses and those people were replaced.

Unfortunately, there was an exemption on Ukitake's case. Yamamoto always played favorites where Shunsui and Ukitake were involved.

He'd gone for that "wanting to honor Kaien Shiba's memory" bit hook, line and sinker. It was ridiculous. In Renji's opinion, they needed a replacement, and those foolish dimwitted, recently promoted third seats of his weren't going to get the job done. If Ukitake didn't croak soon, then Kiyone and Sentaro would see to it.

Therefore, due to total stupidity, Kaien's position would remain empty...and not up for grabs.

Not that Renji wanted to serve for the 13th, anyway. He already had his sights on Byakuya.

Fortunately, Zaraki gave all his subordinates time to loaf about like it was hotcakes where fighting wasn't involved, so Renji hadn't had much of problem persuading him for a break.

Tetsuzaemon was away with his mother and Ikkaku and Yumichika were elsewhere training their asses off for something, so he'd had no objections.

Maybe Rukia would cheer up if he told her he was being considered for a transferral to squad 5.

A promotion meant that he was getting seen; it also meant he was climbing up in the ranks and approaching his goal. Surely, that'd snap her out of her stupor, he thought.

Renji hopped up to the entrance of the 4th's barracks and entered. A couple of female lower-ranked inferiors gave him acknowledging looks as he strode past them.

One day they'd be _bowing _to him. He smirked at the concept of being called "lieutenant Abarai".

His bare feet padded on the hardwood floor as he navigated his way down the corridors past the intensive care unit to the recovery ward. In the hall on his way to Rukia's room, he saw Isane standing next to an open door as someone, no doubt from the 11th division, hurled a bedpan at her, where it hit the wall and fell to the floor with a resounding clatter. A string of expletives followed.

"Hey!" Renji called. "Trouble?"

"Ah," she said, inclining her head to him in greeting. "I've got it handled." A bowl of peas sailed past her head, missing her by inches.

"FUCK YOU AND THIS SLOP! I'M NOT EATIN' THIS SHIT! YOU CAN GO SHOVE IT UP THE DARKEST PART OF THAT LILY WHITE A-" Renji slammed the door closed, muffling the rest of what was said.

"Heheh. Profane, aren't they?" he inquired.

"All but one, apparantly," she said, and brandished her clipboard before scribbling down some information on the patient.

This report would evidently find its way to Unohana, who would go over it, analyze it, crosscheck it, mark those who'd been naughty or nice, then pay them all a visit with the exception of the good ones, and she would commence to bear her satanic aura, effectively causing them all to shit in their pants.

Luckily, Renji had no such misfortune, and he wasn't one to get on Unohana's bad side like some schmucks. He flushed anyway at Isane's indirect compliment.

"Well, I try," he told her.

"May I ask what you're here for?" she inquired.

Having nearly forgotten his purpose for being there as he'd been busy basking in his ego, Renji straightened up.

"Ah, that. I'm here to visit Rukia." Isane's facial expression slackened.

"I see. Well, she was moved to the sunroom this morning. Unohana wanted her to get a little light. You take a right and then keep going straight. It's easy to spot," she said. Isane directed him with her finger and Renji nodded. "I get it. Thanks." He trotted off down the corridor and took a right some twenty feet away.

Windows that took up half the walls were adjoined along the expanse of the building to let in more sunlight for the patients' enjoyment and ease of recuperation. At the end of the hall, a tad to the right again, were two large sliding doors. Renji entered the room and was automatically bathed in the sun's rays.

A skylight installed in the roof was the source of most of the illumination. Rukia sat in a wheelchair nearby in the shade of a part of the ceiling which uniquely sloped over her and then rose into a malformed triangle high up in the ceiling. He hurried over to her and tapped her on the shoulder.

"Hey, Rukes!" he said jovially. "How's it hangin'?!" The affection in his voice went unremarked, unlike before as kids when Rukia normally would have made some half-assed attempt like "to the left!" and they would both burst out laughing.

This time she just stared out the window in front of her. She wasn't, however, looking on what was on the other side of the glass pane, though; she was looking _through _it, at nothing.

Her complexion was pastel-no, _semi-transparent._

"Jeez, Rukia, you need to eat something. You look like death on a stick," he said, tone more serious.

She still didn't answer. She didn't even seem to realize he was there.

Tattooed brow meshing together, Renji reached out and squeezed her shoulder, shaking her.

"Hey! Rukia, answer me!"

Her chapped lips parted. "Go away," she rasped. Dark bruise-like rings rimmed her eyes, her eyes of which were dull and no more the vibrant violet he'd once known, but something dead and hollow, like the barrenness you see in a Hollow's hole moments before you kill it.

"Ru-"

"Leave it be, Abarai." Renji whirled around, teeth bared. He went still when he saw Byakuya Kuchiki standing there, his robes pin-straight, hair brushed-not a strand out of place-his expression stoic as ever.

"C-captain Kuchiki," he announced impulsively.

Rukia didn't budge an inch.

"I am having her discharged and taken to the estate so my staff can see to her care. See that you stay out of their way," he said. Byakuya's eyes narrowed, rendering Renji speechless with rage.

_Who the fuck does he think he is...?! _Renji had half a mind to speak up, but he knew whatever he said to Byakuya, or what he thought of the situation was, to a point, meaningless. To the noble, he was of no more value than an insect.

Servants began to file into the room, each respectively bowing to Byakuya before going over to Rukia's side. One of the menial hands there manned Rukia's wheelchair and rolled her on out of there without so much as granting Renji a glance in his general direction.

They all kept their heads lowered and trailed out of there in the same order they'd come. Rukia didn't seem to show any reaction of sorts to this quick turn of events and remained expressionless.

"H-hey!" Renji started.

"Mind you that visitations will be limited. I expect you to keep a fair distance so she can recuperate."

Renji ground his teeth together, jaw set.

"I beg your pardon, captain Kuchiki, but I've known Rukia longer than you have. I think I speak-"

"And I am her primary caregiver," Byakuya interjected, flashing the crimson-haired Soul Reaper a look.

"I will do what I think his best for her health without consideration for your opinion. It carries no great weight for me to say that I could care less what you think. Your minor involvement in her life is over. I suggest now you watch where you tread."

The aristocrat's passive grey eyes glinted coldly, darkening the formerly bright atmosphere of the room.

"Learn your place, Abarai. She's a Kuchiki. Not a lowlife street dog." With a swish of his robes, Byakuya flicked his wrist, moving the tail of his scarf over his shoulder so that it billowed out behind him.

He pivoted on his heel and then exited the door with the grace in which he'd entered.

Renji stood there, at a loss for words. His blood boiled with such fury he would have tailed the upper-classed male had common sense not told him otherwise. There _would _be a time to confront Byakuya Kuchiki, but today was not that day. A part of him felt the right to affirm his place in Rukia's life to this impertinent, poised, refined man.

However, it was useless. He could no more move Byakuya Kuchiki than he could change the tide.

_One day, _he would show that man that even in spite of the fact he presided over Rukia in every specific area, Renji had known her on a deeply personal level. He had known her in ways that a Kuchiki couldn't comprehend. They taught her proper stature, eating habits, how to speak, repitition, repitition, repitition.

But in Hanging Dog, they had either stolen to survive or starved. Nothing had ever been routine. They had all just improvised with what they had. Etiquette? _Pfft. _In the 78th district, they had spit where they pleased, talked with a drawl, and acted like hooligans.

Of course, even though Rukia had a right hook that could knock a guy clean off his feet and she had a grough disposition, that hadn't stopped her from developing into a damn fine woman. The expectancies of a Kuchiki suited her...or so he had supposed.

When Renji had let her go, he had never realized how much space it would place between them; he had never realized how much she would change.

He knew the differences between them were great, there were lines that he couldn't cross...yet he found himself holding onto his faith. He had done this so they could have a better chance for a future together, so she could have nice things, so he could get his education. Yet everyday that self-delusion dwindled a little more.

It had all started when she joined the 13th divison.


	3. Here's Your Man, Pt ll

Chapter 3- Here's Your Man Pt. ll

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><p>20 Years Prior<p>

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><p>Rukia was giddy—incredibly giddy. This was a drastic change in contrast to how she'd been a week before.<p>

When Renji had seen her she had been all gloomy and down in the dumps. She had said she was nervous about how she would be treated in her new squad now that her ceremony had been carried out.

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><p>Renji slapped her on the back with such force she pitched forward and nearly toppled onto the ground. He laughed a throaty sound that resounded in the grassy clearing and grinned wolfishly at her.<p>

The perennial trees that surrounded them swayed slightly in a gust of air, the leaves brushing up against one another and creating a melodious rustle.

"C'mon, Rukes, you worry too much!" He tossed back some sakè from his flask and plopped down into a patch of lush grass under the shade of a cherry blossom tree.

Rukia's face screwed up as she fought to regain her balance, her arms pinwheeling about and her eyes comically wide. Hopping up onto her left foot, she thrust out and kicked him in the shins...hard. She did a stylish back flip into the air and landed in a crouched position on the ground just as Renji began howling and making a fuss.

"GODDAMMIT, WOMAN! AUGH!" He flopped down onto his back, curled up, hands clutching his knee. He rocked this way and that to assuage the pain that was lancing up along his leg and settling into the tips of his toes like white hot pins and needles.

Rukia stood up and placed her hands on her hips. "You're not taking this seriously," she said, lips pursed, her brow drawn together, all of these the motions of a scowl to come. That wasn't a good sign.

"I WAS!" he whined. She strode over to him and poked him in the ass with her sandal.

"No, you're not," she asserted.

"Well, whaddaya want me to say?" Renji growled, and grumbled half under his breath as he picked himself up off the ground, "It's not like you chose the worst squad possible..."

"For your information, I was assigned there by Byakuya-nii-sama. He thought it would be an opportunity for me," she told him sternly.

Renji exhaled heavily and pulled himself back up against the gnarled cherry blossom tree, calloused fingers coming up to brush a couple of sakura petals from his head as he did so.

"I think its more of a position to keep you inactive," he said. Rukia blinked cluelessly.

"What to do you mean by that?" she inquired.

He huffed. "C'mon, Rukes. Even I know you've got potential. Any one of the thirteen court guard squads would be suitable for you, yet he puts you in this one?" Renji shook his head. "He's just trying to keep you busy and out of the way." Rukia was silent for a moment. She subconciously bided her time by gnawing on her lip and curling her fingers before she came up with a response.

"Whatever nii-sama feels is best, I'll be more than happy to cooperate," she said uncaringly, expression schooled to resemble that of the Kuchiki blandness. Something twinged inside her as she said the words, however. Did Byakuya-nii-sama really think so less of her? Her shoulders drooped a fraction of an inch.

Quickly, before her face betrayed her, Rukia gave an offhanded excuse about a curfew and left Renji.

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><p>She was <em>glowing, <em>which was pretty hard to believe considering the circumstances under which they were meeting. Always ducking behind bushes and sneaking around like what they were doing was forbidden.

"Jeez, Rukia, its already evening and you look like a beacon from one of Yachiru's Christmas parties," he said. Her creamy complexion was flustered with color from her jog to their regular rendezvous point. A grin split her lips and she beamed up at him—_beamed. _

"Why do you say that?" she panted, a fine sheen of sweat coating her skin. Rukia shed the makeshift hood she'd put together in an attempt at sewing. It was really mishappen for her first stab at it, but she liked to think she'd done a good job.

She'd pricked her fingers a couple of hundred times with the needle. The digits were throbbing now in spite of the fact she'd applied salve earlier and wrapped them up with band-aids.

Even though hiding these things was a senseless notion to Renji, Rukia would have none of it. The last thing she needed was to be caught stealing away from the estate and get in a motherload of trouble with Byakuya.

It was best to wear the hideous cloak then get caught without it. The amount of stress she suffered was diminished by the comforting thought that this wasn't a regular occurrence. Renji and her only had these meetings under certain contexts.

It wasn't like they were lovers stealing away in the dead of night. But Rukia had to uphold the Kuchiki's reputation, so she couldn't be seen out in the open with lower-classmen.

"I don't know, maybe 'cause you're not snapping at me," he pointed out.

Renji casually dropped down onto the grass in a patch of moonlight on his back and clasped his hands together behind his head.

"So what's up?" He plucked a blade of grass out of the ground and twirled it around between his thumb and forefinger. Rukia remained standing and crossed her arms. She sighed somewhat halfheartedly.

"Well..." she began, and hesitated. "It's not worth noting."

"C'mon, Rukia," he pressed, "I know there's something going on. If there wasn't, then you would have been speaking to me."

"You know my training is still in progress. It takes up a lot of my schedule," she responded evenly.

Renji sat back up and turned to glance in her direction. "Rukia, you were anal-retentive about this shit, even in the Academy. You've gotta loosen up."

Rukia jerked back mechanically to face him. "Renji, this '_shit' _isn't going to wait for me. I can't just slack off," she countered.

"Look, Rukes, you got good marks on your exams back then, so there's every guarantee you'll do the same here. It's not like taking some steam off is gonna kill you," he argued. "If anything, it'll do you a helluva lot of good." Rukia pressed her lips together and breathed out steadily through her nose.

She didn't want to get in another argument with Renji.

Tonight, she had just wanted to sit back and tell him what had gone with her numbingly lackluster routine.

Of course, there were other things she wanted to confide in him with.

She had been giddy all day ready to tell him about her talk with Kaien-dono. She was so scatter-brianed on off-duty hours she'd almost forgotten the words. She'd fumbled around with her _obi _trying to get her clothes on before she'd come here while she went over how she would break it down for Renji.

Training for the first time with Kaien on Mt. Koifushi had been the highlight of her time here in the thirteen court guard squads. For once, she felt as if she had a new significance in her squad, where before it had been vague and unclear to her.

She had a reason now to be a Soul Reaper.

Rukia knew what she had to do in concern of her duties... She had regained the resilience with which she had walked into the Academy and enlisted.

She was resolute in her decision.

She felt almost...light...without weight.

Never before had someone shed so much life on herself, never before had they banished her doubts and insecurities with just words.

Her heart and being felt swollen with what this meant. She felt the uncontrollable urge to scream it to the world.

Now, she felt slightly deflated. This was probably the greatest thing that had ever happened to her and all Renji could do was tell her to _loosen up. _

It was unfair.

"Renji, I-"

"Whatever, Rukia. Look, what you do is none of my business, but the least you could do is call around every now and again," he said, visibly agitated. "You work too much. You overtax yourself. Then, when Byakuya finally decides to pull that stick out of his ass, you use your vacation time to elope with...with your _lieutenant." _

Rukia bristled at the way Renji alluded to Kaien in such a tone of petulance.

"How dare you?" she hissed. "Are you listening to yourself, Renji? _'Elope with'? _You make it intentionally sound as if I'm fornicating with my _married _lieutenant."

He actually had the balls to retort, "Well are you?"

He was just jealous of Kaien-dono.

"Have you forgotten how long we've known each other for? Yet you have the gall to say to my face that I'm doing dishonoring things under the very nose of the Kuchiki household?!" She swept on, stepping forward as she did so.

"Kaien Shiba is a faithful man! He's nothing like you or the disgusting pigs you hang out with in the 11th division, Renji," she said. "Get your facts straight instead of making false accusations...or next time, you'll regret it." Rukia pivoted on her heel and marched away from him, snatching up her cloak with an air of fury not to be trifled with and slipping away into the damp foliage of their surroundings without another word.

Renji watched her go, speechless. He just didn't get it.

* * *

><p>Rukia mumbled inaudibly under the heat of her breath as she trudged through the forestry beyond the hills and cliffs of the Sensaikyu and its accompanying white tower—the repentance palace. She felt angry and offended, and rightfully so.<p>

Somewhere in the back of her mind, she had reacted on impulse to the bit of truth Renji spoke. What he had said had hit a little too close to home, which was a lot nearer than she'd like him to be.

Rukia often used her weekends and breaks to train in advance with Kaien, upon her request, of course, and Byakuya's permission. Part of her did it because she felt it was her obligation to those who had worked to get her this position. The other half of her did for an entirely separate cause that was just a bit self-serving.

Sniffling, Rukia's foot caught on something, a tree root, maybe, and she pitched forward and hit the ground, sprawled out awkwardly. Nearby, she heard the trickle of stream water and knew immediately she had reached the area somewhere behind her squad's barracks. How she had gotten there so swiftly, she was unsure.

Lifting her head, Rukia spat out some dirt and shook her head.

"Ow," a lackadaisical voice said. She blinked, shifting to her side to see that she was stretched out across, not a bed of moss or a decaying tree branch, but Kaien Shiba's lap.

"Hello," he said, faintly ilumminated in the moonlight that filtered through the canopy of tree leaves above.

His jet black hair stood out against the dark backdrop of the tree he was propped up against. He appeared to have recently traded his uniform in for a slightly navy kimono that was banded with lighter colored stripes. It was probably the first time she'd seen him out of their normal attire on duty.

"Ah...!" Rukia's cheeks flodded with warmth, and a scarlet hue colored her complexion as she promptly struggled up onto her knees and bowed so low her face was pressed into the dewy grass-blades below.

"I...I am so sorry, vice-captain. I wasn't watching where I was going and..." She went still. "Please don't tell Byakuya-nii-sama I was out this late." Kaien sat up straight and reached over, smacking her lightly on the back of the head.

"Don't be so formal. We're not on post, so you can call me whatever you want," he told her. "And don't worry, I'm not gonna sell you out to your brother. I don't blame you for sneaking out. Guy's got a stick up his ass the size of-"

"LIEUTENANT!" Rukia shrieked, and instinctively slapped her hands over her mouth. Words muffled, she said around her fingers, "Don't say things like that about him." Kaien looked around and peered over his shoulder into the brush. "Why? I don't see him anywhere," he said, and grinned widely at her.

Flustered, Rukia folded her hands in her lap and sat up, her tresses askew and her _kimono _slightly rumpled. Kaien's hair was damp and combed out evenly. He'd either had a recent shower or he'd gone diving in the stream. The latter seemed more likely.

Rukia liked seeing him this way, so laid-back without the stress or hassle of another impending mission. He was barefoot with his hands cupped between his legs around a cup of...

"Is that sakè?" she asked bluntly.

He arched one brow and leaned forward, pinching her cheeks together with his thumb and forefinger so that she was puckered up like a fish. Kaien poured the remainder of his drink into her mouth, smiling and saying, "What does it taste like?"

Rukia squealed, forced to swallow the beverage, of which didn't have the burning after-taste of alcohol, but the warm sugariness of tea. He turned fractionally and pulled something out beside his hip and stuck it between her lips. Rukia's slender fingers came up to grasp the end of the pocky stick as she sucked on the strawberry cream coating. It tasted sooo good.

A faint blush crept into her cheeks, and he laughed at the kittenish look she had on her face.

Rukia closed her eyes at the sound. It was at moments like these, with him, that she _lived _for. It wasn't as something as naive or simplistic as a crush. It was so much more.

This... was the burning bright radiance of the sun that she could never reach; it was the tip of the wing she could never graze. It was the tide of the ocean... so unpredictable, so unceasing, full of swells and currents that were beyond her capability to keep up with. This would never be hers. It belonged to the earth.

Renji had said once he felt like he was barking at the moon. Well, she felt as if she was trying to bring the sky down to her level. It would just never happen. It was beyond her grasp. Rukia could look, and for that, she was immensely grateful. She could never hope to touch or feel or experience him in an intimate fashion.

Every two steps he took was another two steps back in the opposite direction for her.

The agony was...excruciating. It was at this moment she found herself wondering when and where she fell in love with him...


End file.
